As I stare down the road I see darkness. No lights are on, it seems as though no human has lived through this living hell. No one helps each other, and I am left walking alone. I have been walking for some time now. Not only walking on the deserted streets of hollows edge, but also the edge of my mind. Call it irony. Do with it what you please, but I feel as though I am at a breaking point. What do you say when you are at a loss for words. Thats the whole point. You say whatever is on your mind at the time, and thats exactly what I do. If I am stressed call it as you see, I might say something on the border line of “shut up I am not in the mood,” or I may say something like “I wanna die!”. As I go on with life over and over and over. Suddenly though I realize I am tired of walking. I am tired of wandering through the streets figuring nothing out. As the cool air brushes my pale face. And the dew of the ground seems to fill the air. It is dense outside, and suddenly I am suffocating. I am claustrophobic though only surrounded by a few houses and darkness. I am breathless, but my breathe is the only thing I hear. It is silence, but my hearts pounding fills the air like the sound of a thousand drummers playing together louder, louder, and louder. I am not sure why I am walking anymore, and I return to the place I hate. I want to die, but I feel its too shallow to say that. I want to die because I feel my life is not in a place I want it to be. But what about the people that love me? Who do care if I die. So I dismiss this idea every time. Now I am walking, walking faster and faster, and faster.
I always wait on the edge of the sidewalk 45 min. early for the bus. I am not so sure why I do this, I just seem to like spending time with myself. I get on the bus, and sudden glances and whistles fill the air. I just roll my eyes, find the nearest seat and sit staring out the window. I forget about being on the bus, I look at the landscape. It is my escape from this so called normal world. Then I see my sister come running down the street waving her arms like a frantic maniac. Urging the bus to halt so she can get on. As she enters heads turn and whistles go on and on. However unlike me she likes it. She flirts back, winks or waves or smiles. She sits next to this one guy who seems to like her a lot. She seems to like his attention, but I do not really care if they are together or not, so I never ask. Then she sees me and says “hey sis, cheer up life is great!” and gives the cheesy smile. I just give her that same cheesy smile back, except with a certain gloominess to it. Then I return to my window, and I watch as we pass each house. Sometimes I feel like I am so distant I count every brick on each house.
We get to school and theres nothing left to say, as I rush off to my first period, with my head slightly tilted towards the ground. And my sis waves at me and says “Have a great day sis, I love you!”. And I just walk away very fast pretending she did not just say that, because she only does it for attention. I sit in my first period class where people seem to ignore me. Even the teacher gets my name wrong, and I have been in his class for 3 years. I feel like an outcast, but I suppose it is good for me. I can sit there and do what I please and no one bothers me. Except for some kids, who seem to think making fun of my shyness is fun. How do you get pleasure out of something like that? I have never been exactly sure of how to answer that. The next thing I know the bell rings and I am off to do the same things at least 7 more times.
I leave school, and I figure I would walk home today. I hate riding the bus with my sister., and all those kids snickering about me, and conversing about me. I get home before chastity, and of course my sister wants to know why I got home before her. As I stare at my homework silent. She slams my book shut and gives me the most pissed off look I have seen in a while. I have this feeling shes going to ask me why I am home before her, but of course not. The next thing I know I am in an hour long conversation that I did not sign up for. I listen to her talk about what danny did, and what danny did not do and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. I am in despair as I put my head down. And she smack the table and screams “NOW YOUR NOT LISTENING TOO?!?!”. She seems to have stomped away, because as I go to say “of course I was”, I seem to see nothing. In my mind I know I should apologize, but I also know that would only lead to her talking more and more. I might as well let her sweat it out, and finish my homework.
The next day was expected to be the same routine as every other day, however it was definitely not. Of course I get to the corner where my bus comes 45 min. early. Expecting to sit and ponder on my own thoughts and what I was going to do today. Yet when I get there, some kid is sitting in MY spot and I suddenly feel my cheeks getting bright red…and I want to kill him. I quietly walk over to the stop and I decide to pick a new spot. Who needs that spot anyways? But you do have to wonder why he was there so early. So of course me being me, I had to ask why. It came out something like “hey kid why are you here so damn early…and thats my spot by the way!” as he stares at me. He starts giving me that joking smile, one that I have not seen from my parents or sister or myself, or anyone for that matter of fact. It made me confused. I squint my eyes like I look confused, because I was. Then suddenly hes reaching out his hand saying “hi my names Brian”. I look at his hand, then look at him and turn away in disgust. He just chuckles slightly and starts talking to me like I am actually listening. “I was not expecting anyone else to come so soon. Thats why I am here, to clear my mind, ponder on my own thoughts. I did not know this was your territory, please excuse me for that”. Then I must have turned around and actually listened because I found myself staring at “Brian” with my jaw dropped so far down, I do not think the paramedics could have gotten it up. He smiles then says “so why are you here?” and I seem to say “for the same reason”. But then I start to notice how he looks, for once I actually think I am starting to like a guy. He had dark brownish blackish hair, and the prettiest black eyes I have ever seen. He appeared to be Asian and I did not mind that at all. He was a boy, that eventually all girls would fall for. I knew this in my mind and decided to snap out of it. Sometimes I convince myself stuff in my mind, and then it actually happens. And in this instance it did, because the next thing I know my hand is hitting my face. Then I feel my self blushing up a storm. How can you slap yourself in front of someone so beautiful, so nice, and someone you really like. He sees me blushing, and I am not sure if he has figured out that I like him yet, or if hes just wondering why I just slapped myself. But he does not waste time to say “you know you look really pretty”, then slightly turns his head away. I start the blushing thing again, but this time its okay because he complimented me, and no one does that. Then I start saying “thanks, but I am definitely not pretty.”
The bus is coming, and I find myself weary, and falling for a guy I have only known for 45 min.. I suddenly am sitting next to him on the bus, and I am neglecting the houses next to me. I am not looking out the window today, I am not looking at anything but Brian. Of course though here comes my stupid sister. She gets on the bus, and looks straight at me seeing that I am not alone today, she has to ask “Who is that?” I roll my eyes as she sits down, and I say “Chasity, this is Brian”, “Brian this is my horrible sister Chasity.” and I find myself now yelling at Chasity “ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!?!” I know she thinks he is cute, and she does all she can to flirt with him. Shes telling him how cute he is, and winks at him, and grabs at his hand as he pulls away. He looks at me with the HELP ME look, and I seem to smile, and say okay but you have to pretend to be my boy friend. I did not realize I actually said it to him until I got a reply of “Why would I pretend?” If he had not of smiled, I would not have understood that that meant that he wanted to be my boy friend. I was smiling inside, outside, and I was actually happy. As Chasity is still tugging at him trying to get him to like her, he finally says, no sorry I am with your sister. The next thing I know he looks at me and kisses me on the cheek. He grabs for my hand, and I start to panic. Ive never felt like this before, I have never cared so much about a guy, or anyone for that matter of fact. I have never even loved myself, and yet I find myself longing to be with Brian. I do not ever want to leave the bus, as I snuggle my head up to his warm chest. And I am no longer alone.
We get off the bus, and I think Chasity hates me now, she gives me this look like your gonna pay sister, oh your gonna pay. I do not give a flipping crap whether she hates me or not, I have Brian and hes good enough for me. I hug him and I find myself not wanting to let go, as we walk in the building his arm around my waist. He looks at his schedule, and he appears to have the same first period as me, so we walk there together. I sit in the corner of the room, and no one sits next to me, yet. And then Brian is getting told to sit next to me. The teacher whispers something on the lines of “I know she is weird, but just try to get along with her.” to Brian, and he gets a really ticked look. He seems to say back, “oh Sr. really, because thats my girlfriend your talking about and shes not the slightest bit weird.” He walks away very upset by what the teacher has said. He sits next to me and smiles and says, “Does everyone think your weird?” I suddenly feel like he is going to turn on me and say, “Yes but its only because I do not really talk or anything, I am kinda shy if you know what I mean.” He just hugs me and says “Well your not weird, and I like your very much.”
